The Steelers lost five fumbles in Sunday’s loss to the Cleveland Browns, which was undoubtably the low point of the season and one of the poorest performances Pittsburgh has seen from their team in years.
“A fumble is a fumble, and that’s all there is to it, next time we have to not do that shit”, said head coach Mike Tomlin as he tucked a one-liner prompt back into his coat pocket, “hocus pocus isn’t what we subscribe to, we want our players to not drop the ball anymore”. It wasn’t Tomlin’s best showing in front of a microphone.
Rashard Mendenhall was demoted from the top of the depth chart to the third spot after his performance, “I told you guys to leave me alone about that Bin Laden stuff,” said Mendenhall.
The Steelers new starting running back is Jonathan Dwyer, who got the job after coming up with an anti-fumbling idea. “You guys hear about my idea? It’s brilliant I swear,” Dwyer gloated as he held up a new practice ball with a handle glued to the side of it. “Those footballs aren’t easy to hold on to, all round and smooth, this handle is going to be make it so much easier”.
Steelers offensive coordinator Todd Haley declined comment, as he was too busy working out a strategy to get one of the handle-balls into Sunday’s game without the refs noticing.
Practice squad running back Baron Batch was cynical about the idea, but excited to have been crowned best quarterback named Batch in the organization. “I’ve never won anything, this feels great you guys”, said Batch to his mother during a practice interview.