by: Otto Rocket
When Ben Roethlisberger went down with a shoulder/rib injury in his team’s week 11 game, fear struck minds all over Steeler Nation, but especially for the backup quarterbacks in Pittsburgh.
“I couldn’t believe I was actually healthy when Ben went down,” a shocked Byron Leftwich proclaimed to the media.
“After we barely beat the Chiefs, I knew I would have to start the next game. Against the Ravens nonetheless. I tried to get Goodell to change our schedule, then he fined me 25 grand. I thought to myself, ‘There must be a way I can get hurt early so that I can get back home… to the bench.’”
Early in the first quarter, Leftwich found himself rolling to the right on a 2nd and 3 at the Baltimore 31 yard line. The Ravens defensive backs were all downfield covering the Steelers receivers, figuring if Leftwich was forced to run more than ten feet by himself he would just pass out. Byron Leftwich started to slowly gain speed like a freight train motoring through molasses.
“I’m thinking, ‘I’ve never run 31 straight yards in my life, like ever. I’ll just find someone to hit me and get the hell out of this game.’ Well, as you saw, no one touched me… so I simply fell over in the end zone and broke some ribs.”
After being injured on the first series of the game, Leftwich remained the quarterback for the whole game. “I was like, ‘DAMN!’ That didn’t work,” said a disappointed Leftwich.
On the sidelines, a happy Charlie Batch was found on his iPad mini getting caught up with his messages on LinkedIn.
“I told Mike (Tomlin), ‘Look I really have to get these LinkedIn messages taken care of so just keep Byron in,’” demanded Batch.
Coach Tomlin, forgetting that he is in fact slightly older than Batch, obliged.
The next week, Charlie Batch was named the starter against a division foe, the Cleveland Browns. “If I die out there, tell Baron that his father is proud of him,” replied Batch when asked if his age would play a factor in the game.
Batch threw three interceptions in the loss to the Browns, but was happy with his performance after the game.
Behind Charlie Batch on the depth chart is Brian Hoyer, who is known for the fantastic work he did shining Tom Brady’s cleats in his time backing him up in New England.
“This team is a fuckin mess,” says Hoyer. “I just needed some money… getting ready for that fiscal cliff you know. I don’t want to be here, and if I get put in the game… so help me God. Ben won’t even let me clean his damn cleats.”
Ben Roethlisberger, slowly recovering from his injury, was asked about his status for this week’s game against rival Baltimore.
“I know the team needs me, but my baby boy is a lot more fun right now … and my doctor said that if I sneeze I’ll die… so I don’t know, I guess I’ll just flip a coin on Sunday.” said Roethlisberger.