The Pirates have reportedly been in talks with Russell Martin about making him their starting catcher for the 2013 season. Martin and his agent, Matt Colleran, are looking for a three or four year deal, and to their sheer shock, the Pirates are actually thinking about giving it to them.

“Honestly, this is way further than I thought we’d get,” started Colleran, “when your client hits .211 in the most hitter-friendly stadium in the league, you aren’t expecting him to wear a Major League jersey anymore, much less get a three year, 25 million dollar deal.”

We caught up with Martin at his home in New York City. “WE GON THROW A PARTY,” Russell said while in a rush to take all of his Yankee jerseys and equipment off of eBay. When asked about how he felt about the possibility of playing for the Pirates, Martin admitted that he had no idea who his agent was actually in talks with. “Matt told me we had a possible three year deal, and I immediately hung up the phone and ran to McDonald’s to retract my job application, I didn’t catch the rest of what he had to say. I was sure the league would have figured out that I can’t play baseball by now… but you guys have got to come to this rave, it’s gonna be insane.”

Martin was formerly a highly touted up and coming player with the Dodgers, hitting .293/.374/.469 with 19 homers and 21 steals in 2007. “I still can’t believe people actually believed that was me playing back in 2007, and I only had to pay my cousin 80% of my salary for it.”

The Pierogi also got in touch with Pirates GM Neal Huntington about the talks with Martin. “I just need one more former Yankee to sign with us to beat [Mets GM Sandy] Alderson in free agent bingo.”