by: Justin Dunio

The Pittsburgh Pirates announced today their plan to retire, ex-Pirate, Kris Benson’s #34. Neal Huntington says Kris Benson was an integral part of the Pirate organization from 1999 to 2004. “In MLB standards, Kris was a sub-par starting pitcher,” said Pirates GM Neal Huntington, “but, in Pirates standards, Kris is one of the best we’ve had in the last decade. We’ve had some really shitty pitchers here, and Kris is one that stands out as sort of almost kind of not shitty. Also, he was in the news because of that wife of his, so unlike the rest of our former players, people actually know who he is.”

Benson, ecstatic when the organization informed him of the accomplishment, said, “I’m just your average guy. You know, I was blessed with God-given ability, met my wife in a strip club, and had an accomplished major league career. I’ll always remember that one game against the Cubs when I struck out four batters, damn I had some really good starts back in those days.”

Benson started 126 games in his Pirates tenure and touted a solid 43-49 record. His 1.413 WHIP during his time with the organization is a stat that Huntington describes as “exactly what we’re looking for in a pitcher”.

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