by: Brandon Posa

Residents of the South Hills of Pittsburgh reported that Pittsburgh Penguins winger James Neal has been going door-to-door for the past three weeks, asking if he can do small shooting jobs around their homes to bring some extra cash home during the NHL lockout.

“As I was picking up my Pittsburgh Post-Gazette the other morning, James was standing there with his hockey stick and asked me if he could ‘use a wrister’ to get the paper inside my front door,” Mt. Lebanon resident Betty Johnson said. “He said that if I ever needed any help ‘burying the biscuit’, or ‘back-checking the leaves into the woods’, he would be more than willing to help. I thought that was very generous.”

George Baker, an Upper St. Clair native, said that “James looked a bit rusty when he one-timed my recycling bin back into the garage, but when I asked him to try and clean the gutters he asked me if he should ‘get it from the shortside or the slot’. I told him as long as the water gets through this winter he could use a wraparound for all I care.” Mr. Jones, also of Upper St. Clair, had seen enough late Monday night: “After James had repeatedly allowed my dog to escape the backyard, I told him he had to leave. He kept saying if he left now his ‘plus-minus would be in the dumps’, so I let him try to set up my waving Santa Claus decoration at even strength. Poor kid couldn’t even put the stake in the ground without elbowing Santa in the face.”

New reports have surfaced that Neal may hire former Pen Eric Godard as a “public enforcer” when he proceeds home-to-home during the night, “just in case.”