Francisco Liriano reportedly has a labrum tear in his overworked right shoulder from attempting to become an ambidextrous pitcher. Desperate to return to relevance, Liriano was willing to try anything. Liriano was among the league leaders in ERA in 3 of his first 4 seasons and was one of the top young pitchers in the league. However, injuries have hampered Liriano and his stats have been unimpressive to say the least the last few years.

We caught up with Liriano’s agent, Greg Genske, to talk about his recent injury to his non-pitching arm. “Francisco was really excited about coming to Pittsburgh. He felt a move to the National League with an up-and-coming team would be the perfect opportunity to revive his career. He was prepared to do whatever it took to help his new team, so this offseason he began pitching with BOTH arms instead of JUST THE ONE.”

Liriano was inspired by Pat Venditte, a pitcher in the New York Yankees organization. Venditte became famous for being ambidextrous and throwing pitches with both arms in the same outing, although he never actually had any statistical success. When The Pierogi caught up with Liriano, he said “It’s been a few years since I’ve been dominant with my left arm. My four year old son told me that he’s a lot better throwing with his right arm, and that I should try it that way. Normally I wouldn’t listen to a four year … but I play for the Pirates now, so I’ve gotta get used to it. Turns out I overworked my right arm and tore my labrum. Damnit.”

Scouts have been keeping an eye on Liriano’s right handed abilities and say that he has a plus-plus eephus, but he has yet to throw a strike with any of his other pitches. Liriano will likely need surgery to repair his torn labrum, but insists he will make a full recovery and will focus on throwing left handed for the upcoming season.

Upon hearing that the second NHL lockout in less than ten years is finally over, forward Rico Fata is still holding on to the notion from the Penguins that he would return in a top-six role once the first lockout had ended.

“[Former Penguins GM] Craig Patrick told me that as soon as the owners ‘cleaned up this mess eh’ with the players, Coach Olczyk would bring me into training camp and I would have a spot alongside Mario’s wing. That was eight years and two lockouts ago. I hope they realize I’m still waiting.”

In a written statement to The Pierogi, Current Pens GM Ray Shero wrote that “at this time, we do not have a spot for Mr. Fata on the 2013 Pittsburgh Penguins. Unfortunately for him, these are not the X-Generation Pens anymore, and Konstantin Koltsov and Co. haven’t dressed for us in years. We wish Mr. Fata the best of luck in his future endeavors.”

The Pierogi recently uncovered that at a local dek hockey rink, Fata texted former Pens goaltender Andy Chiodo and former d-man Ric Jackman to see if they wanted to “get a game of posts going. The NHL is back.”

Tino Sunseri was arrested late Monday afternoon inside of Sun Life Stadium, the site of the 2013 BCS National Championship game, for breaking and entering. Sunseri was seen wearing an Alabama number three jersey in custody of Florida State police.

“We found the suspect in the visiting team locker room putting on pads and this number three jersey,” said Jim Franks, Florida chief of police. “We are continuing to gather information.”

The equipment that Tino was putting on belonged to his brother Vinnie, who plays safety for Alabama.

“My asshat brother thinks he’s so much better than me,” said Tino in a phone interview from a Miami prison. “All he did over Christmas was show off his BCS National Championship patch and talk about Notre Dame’s offense. That little bitch doesn’t even know how to sew… oh BUT MOM was MORE than happy to sow it right on to his jersey for him.”

We learned that Tino was planning on starting the game at safety and then using a mind trick that he learned on the Internet to convince Nick Saban to let him play quarterback in the second half.

We caught up with a very angry Vinnie Sunseri before the game to get his thoughts. “He sent me an e-mail telling me that the game was moved to Jacksonville, he spelled ‘Florida’ wrong.”

When the NHL lockout ended early Sunday morning, the league’s stars weren’t the only ones scrambling to get ready for the shortened season. Many local fans have been frantically trying to prepare themselves to heckle opposing players on short notice.

“Usually, you have an entire training camp to come up with new insults, get information about players’ families, stuff like that,” said Gibsonia resident Jeff Christiansen. “There’s no room to be sloppy in a 48-game season. You really have to make sure you bring your ‘A’ game every day.”

Christiansen kept his heckling game sharp at his nephew’s peewee games during the lockout, often focusing on the other team’s goaltender (“That Johnny Thompson kid is a total sieve”), and occasionally getting behind the visitor’s penalty box. He admits, however, that screaming at 8-year olds doesn’t live up to the intensity of the NHL.

“Apparently, they don’t let you bring beer into peewee hockey games, which is kind of a bummer. I ended up having to get there early so I could tailgate in the parking lot just to get a good buzz, but even that was gone by the third period,” added Christiansen.

In addition to the peewee action, Christiansen got his NHL fix by heckling his television during vintage Penguins games on Root Sports.

“It’s definitely not as much fun when you already know how the game ends, but practice is practice. I’m excited to finally get to some real games, especially since I’m ‘no longer welcome’ within 500-feet of the peewee rink.”

The Pirates have the framework of a deal in place to acquire Giancarlo Stanton from the Miami Marlins. However, the Pirates have made a strange request that seems to be preventing the deal from culminating.

The Pirates have offered Luis Heredia, Jameson Taillon, and Josh Bell for Stanton. In order to complete the deal, Neal Huntington has requested that Stanton “drop the Giancarlo bullshit.” In an interview with The Pierogi, Huntington said, “Mike Stanton had a good thing going. Last year, he decided to go by his real first name – Giancarlo. I think that name is really stupid and I refuse to have anyone named Giancarlo playing for the Pirates.”

The Marlins seem to believe the talent they would receive for Stanton is enough to make the deal a reality, but Stanton is offended by Huntington’s request. In a recent interview, Stanton said, “My parents named me Giancarlo Cruz Michael Stanton. People call me Giancarlo…Mike…Cruz…It doesn’t matter to me. But who does Neal Huntington think he is to insult me like this?”

BUCN: The Story of the 2012 Pittsburgh Pirates has been nominated for an Academy Award in the category of Best Documentary About A 2012 MLB NL Central Team.

The film—written, produced, filmed, edited, and directed by Greg Allison—documents the Pittsburgh team as it got off to a promising start before collapsing in a pile of its own fans’ tears.

“The film had a very uplifting beginning, you could tell that these were some ballplayers who had enough spunk to break that losing streak,” said Roger Ebert. “Allison’s acting early in the year was superb. There was no way anyone actually believed the team had a chance to do well, but he filled you with hope and took you along for the ride all the same.”

Newsweek raved that the trips to Cleveland and New York really spiced things up. “The tone changed suddenly with the montage of errors early in the third act, delivering an unexpected finish,” they wrote.

The New York Times criticized that montage “which seemed to go on forever” despite their understanding that “it was probably about 1% of what the Pirates did wrong this season.” Overall, however, the Times’ review was positive, stating the film was “the best thing the Pirates have been involved in for years.”

Other films nominated in the category are THE REDS! and Excrement: The 2012 Houston Astros. The 85th Academy Awards show will be held on February 24, 2013.

With no end to the NHL lockout in sight, we decided it was time to check in on one of Pittsburgh’s favorite players, Evgeni Malkin, and see how he has been handling the lockout in his native Russia. So far, Geno has tallied 19 goals and 40 assists in 35 games while playing with Metallurg Magnitogorsk of the Kontinental Hockey League.

Head coach Paul Maurice says that Malkin seems to be in good shape and is playing well for the club, though his interview skills have not improved.

“We thought coming back to Russia would make it easier on him, but his Russian is actually just as bad as his English,” said Maurice. “We aren’t sure what Geno’s first language is, if he even has one.”

Magnitogorsk General Manager Valery Postnikov says that the team tried hiring a translator to help with the media, but nothing Malkin said made any sense, regardless of what language it was in.

“I try to have conversation with Evgeni. He nod and smile a lot,” said Metallurg teammate and former Penguin Sergei Gonchar. “He answer everything in one or two words. Only words he knows.”

When we called Evgeni to ask about the season, he replied, “Season good. I am score puck.” He then added “Sid the kid” for no reason at all.

Sidney Crosby: “when are the winter olympics coming back? I wanna do that again.”

Ben Roethlisberger: “to stop all rape jokes, to make the playoffs next season… oh yeah and also to be a good dad and shit”

Andrew McCutchen: “I’m gonna steal more bases… like literally steal more of the Pirates bases… they really freakin’ jewed me on that contract last year, I’m gonna get back at em.”

Jose Tabata: “To get back with my 43 year old ex-wife, who gets out of jail in June.”

Todd Haley: “We’ve gotta run the ball on first down more, also less no-huddle offense.”

Evgeni Malkin: “)))))))”

Tino Sunseri: “I’m resolutavatizing myself to be the Steelers starting quarterback come September. Also I really have to get my English 101 grade up.”

James Harrison: “Gotta find another job, I’m broke. Pretty sure I’m getting fined for us not making the playoffs.”

Derek Stingley (Power head coach): “I really want to get the monkeys riding dogs halftime show back again this season.”

Russell Martin: “I already got a ridiculous contract that I never should have gotten… so I’m good.”

Rashard Mendenhall: “I’m gonna get back on Twitter.”

Mike Wallace: “Am I getting paid to answer this question? I heard Larry Fitzgerald gets paid for his interviews.”

“I was pumped as shit to get this Yankee candle,” said an elated Crosby. “Then I hopped on Instagram and saw that Cutch got the same thing! Small world.”

“Yeah I got the same candle as Crosby, I don’t why the hell he’s so pumped up about it,” said McCutchen, who later admitted he was really hoping for another pair of Dr. Dre Beats headphones. “Don’t you guys have anything better to do than call me everyday for these stupid ass stories?”

The Pittsburgh Pirates announced today that the team signed veteran starting pitcher Francisco Liriano to a 2 year, 12.75 million dollar contract. It’s been a few years since Liriano was a dominating Major League pitcher, but the Pirates organization felt he was still worth a contract above his market value.

When asked about joining the Pirates, Liriano said, “The no-pressure culture in Pittsburgh is awesome. I spoke with Clint Hurdle before signing and he assured me that the Pirates do not care about winning and losing. They care more about how we play the game.” Liriano went on to say that he appreciates the culture in Pittsburgh. “ Recently, I’ve watched guys like Clint Barmes, Rod Barajas, and Erik Bedard all come here and get paid handsomely for very little performance. What is there not to like? I plan on having fun and playing hard without the added pressure to win ball games.”

Neal Huntington mentioned in an interview today that Liriano is exactly the type of player they look for via free agency. “He used to be a really good pitcher and a lot of everyday fans know his name. Although he isn’t a great pitcher anymore, he will still sell tickets and he was way less expensive than a quality pitcher in his prime.