note: this is a fake story Tino Sunseri was arrested late Monday afternoon inside of Sun Life Stadium, the site of the 2013 BCS National Championship game, for breaking and entering. Sunseri was seen wearing an Alabama number three jersey in custody of Florida State police. “We found the suspect in the visiting team locker room putting on pads and this number three jersey,” said Jim Franks, Florida chief of police. “We are continuing to gather information.” The equipment that
by: Patrick Reddick BUCN: The Story of the 2012 Pittsburgh Pirates has been nominated for an Academy Award in the category of Best Documentary About A 2012 MLB NL Central Team. The film—written, produced, filmed, edited, and directed by Greg Allison—documents the Pittsburgh team as it got off to a promising start before collapsing in a pile of its own fans’ tears. “The film had a very uplifting beginning, you could tell that these were some ballplayers who had enough
We caught up with various Pittsburgh athletes and collected their New Years resolutions. Sidney Crosby: “when are the winter olympics coming back? I wanna do that again.” Ben Roethlisberger: “to stop all rape jokes, to make the playoffs next season… oh yeah and also to be a good dad and shit” Andrew McCutchen: “I’m gonna steal more bases… like literally steal more of the Pirates bases… they really freakin’ jewed me on that contract last year, I’m gonna get back
Reports are coming out of Pittsburgh that Sidney Crosby and Andrew McCutchen both received PINECONE & LIME scented Yankee Candles for Christmas from their girlfriends. “I was pumped as shit to get this Yankee candle,” said an elated Crosby. “Then I hopped on Instagram and saw that Cutch got the same thing! Small world.” “Yeah I got the same candle as Crosby, I don’t why the hell he’s so pumped up about it,” said McCutchen, who later admitted he was
Horrible news coming out of Beaver County today, as the Geneva men’s volleyball program has been handed the death penalty due to a player accepting a free ice cream cone in town. Chris Truman, front left hitter for the team, was at Old Jerry’s Dairy Delights with his buddies after the conclusion of the fall semester and reportedly accepted a free mint chocolate ice cream cone. The NCAA got their hands on this news and after some thought, decided to
The Pittsburgh Pirates signed left handed starting pitcher Francisco Liriano to a two-year deal, apparently with the help of some rule-bending involving pets in the locker room. “I’m happy to be a Pirate,” started Liriano in his press conference. “I love the city, the ballpark, and I think this team is ready to do something big. Oh… yeah also they said I could bring my goldfish to the ballyard for home games. It’s weird how many teams have rules about
Gary Bettman got really tired on Thursday afternoon and decided that he was going to take a 25 day nap, something he commonly does once to twice a year. With this news comes the report that the NHL will not be able to progress any further in labor talks while Bettman is dozing, consequently canceling games until mid-January. “Can’t wait to wake up and cash my checks!” was all we could get out of Bettman.
Former Pirates first baseman Craig Wilson is having a tougher time now than ever dealing with his retirement from baseball. Wilson left the Pirates in the middle of the 2006 season and saw his Major League career end at the end of the 2007 season. “It’s been five long years for me since retirement,” said Wilson in an exclusive interview. “For the first three years I got through it without any problems because of the great hair I had. I
by: Patrick Reddick In response to Ben Roethlisberger’s comments that the Pittsburgh Steelers are “The World’s Team”, Xalon Vadu now claims that the Kinfluffle Cube is clearly “The Galaxy’s Team.” “With the support the Steelers receive throughout the Earth, [Roethlisberger’s] comments are understandable,” Vadu told reporters Tuesday, “but their fan base fades quickly if you look at the larger picture.” The Cube plays their home games on ARZ17-2—a planet located in the NGC 2099 cluster of the Milky Way, about
Jerome Bettis stormed out of an NBC staff meeting on Tuesday, reportedly because of anger he is still dealing with over the 1998 Thanksgiving overtime coin toss incident. Sunday’s overtime contest with the Cowboys and Steelers apparently brought back poor memories for Bettis. “Fourteen worst years of my life,” was all we could get out of Bettis. Phil Luckett, the referee who was to blame for the miscall all those years ago, was remorseful when we caught up with him.